Aack!

I just looked at the ticker and there are only 130 days until the RftC!!! And I wasted 3 weeks, dagnabit. OK, forward froward forward.

For Christmas

I got these: the Saucony Grid Shadow 11

I am totally loyal tot his shoe. Back when I was actually on my way to a marathon (long run of 14 miles) I was fitted for this shoe and have never changed. As a big person with a fairly normal arch but a wide foot, it is an awesome shoe. Now to break them in!

Fresh new start!

I was totally stuck and off the wagon. After 3 weeks of totally willful disobedience I am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and starting again. I am not sure if I can handle weighing myself again, but I think I need to, just to assess the damage. But either way, one foot in front of the other.

Stuck: a long, depressing vent

Well, I am stuck.

I have been working my butt off (unfortunately not literally) walking, eating well, recording my food, drinking water, on and on. And for what? nothing. My knee is killing me and I weighed MORE for the past 3 days! WTHeck???

Now I know it is baby steps but seriously, I am restricting myself so I should be losing, not gaining. Or at least staying the same!

The scale is such a killer to me. My whole life.

I very clearly recall being weighed as a kid. It was humiliating. If my weight was up, I got less dessert or snacks than everyone else. So of course I stole it.

I remember going to the movies and Rose getting candy and me not. I was the fat kid.
I remember being bribed "lose 10 pounds and you get a Barbie horse". I tried and tried. I NEVER lost it, then it was lose 15 or 20.
How many times did I hear the "You have such a pretty face if you would just lose weight" or "Boys don't marry fat girls"?
I clearly remember having to figure up how many calories are in a box of TicTacs because I ate the whole thing and was recording all my food on a list on the refrigerator. (80 calories, BTW, before they changed the size of the box)
I have photos of myself at times that I KNOW I was put on a diet and I was not fat. Tall. Not thin, but not fat.
I remember my parents buying me Slim Fast. When I was 10 or so. TEN!
I recall being forced to take cabbage and tomato soup to lunch at school. Yeah! I could eat as much as I wanted! Unfortunately I hate cabbage (always have) and was humiliated when I had to explain my lunch to my friends.

I have entire albums of photos where I am never shown.
I hate *HATE* being touched because i know I feel squishy. Hate it.
Not too long ago my oldest daughter, for the first time ever, realized I was fat. "You know, mom, your butt is kind of wide." I wanted to die.

My whole darn life i have been totally ruled by the scale. When it is down, I feel good about myself. When it is up I hate myself. That isn't hyperbole. HATE myself and the mess I have made of myself.

I try to see the good side: my weight probably saved me from rapists. My weight stopped me from dating lots of losers (dated nobody instead).

But seriously....my weight stopped me from trying sports. It stopped me from dancing at dances; I went to all of them, hoping someone would ask me, but nobody ever did, so I just sat on the bleachers. . It kept me away from Homecoming and the Prom. It keeps me away from amusement parks and beaches and swimming pools (all things I love) and keeps me from chasing the girls at the park and running with them in the yard. The only 2 people I ever dated (except for DH) treated me like crap and I gladly put up with it because I felt like I should be grateful that they even considered looking at me twice.

And now I am stuck again. Not again....still. I am still stuck. I have been stuck for 25 years.

A slow start

Well, I started out the month good, but I soon fell off the wagon and have been in a rut ever since. I don't really have a good excuse. I've been eating ok, but not BFL. I haven't been working out much. I have been pretty good about taking my meds, but not good with vitamins. I actually tried taking a multi and a calcium after breakfast a couple of days ago. Soon after... I threw up, one of the pills didn't sit well with my stomach and I don't know which one. I need to take them separately to find out. I will start back to work in a few weeks, so I'm hoping with the new schedule I will get myself back on track. I don't know why it's so hard to get motivated. Like I told Dorothy, if I have time to play games online, I have time to organize and track food and exercise. But for some reason, I still haven't done it. I wonder where I'll find the spark to keep me going for 12 weeks during BFL the first of the year.

A plan!

OK, I have been plugging along, focusing on eating well, drinking water, and walking every day (as possible). I have been set --I don't want to say stuck because it isn't that--at 1.2 miles at 3.o since that is 24 minutes. I have been watching the Avatar series and each episode is 24 minutes so it works well. However I recognize that I need to make progress.

So I added a calendar feature (if anyone else wants one it can be added). It can be found here.
Then click on month view (upper right corner).

It has my plan to add .1 miles each week which gets me to 3.2 (5k) a couple of weeks before the RftC!!

At some point I will add the marathon plan but first, this.

Also, I am planning to switch from Avatar to Lost, since those episodes are 45 ish minutes and that works better (And it will get me all ready for the return of Lost in February!! Yeah!!) By the time am finished with Avatar, I will need something longer.

It feels good to have a plan.

Knee craziness

OK, in light of Blanche's insight I have taken to stretching after walking, since the muscles and whatnot are warm. That seems to really help.

Interesting knee history. About 2 months ago out of nowhere my knee made a LOUD popping sound and I could not stand on it. At all. Couldn't even straighten it out. I totally panicked, and in all honesty it is one thing that made me look into getting into shape. I could barely drive and limped around, explaining that I had sprained my knee (self diagnosis). After about a week it was better but never back to normal.

That was my right knee. That hurts down the back of my leg. My left knee hurt in the front (like the patella actually hurts), But heck, I would hurt too if I had to lug my fat butt around. I am totally sure that the #1 thing I need to do is weigh less and that will help.

So out of nowhere my right knee popped again yesterday only this time it felt BETTER, almost like it was fixing itself after 2 months. I took today off from walking and it has been a little stiff but all in all I am hopeful.

Neat new feature

I just added a neat-o mosquito weight loss ticker. It is to a short term goal (since clearly that is no where near what I need to accomplish). Perhaps I will add a mileage on too; I am not sure yet.

www.tickerfactory.com

lots of options and super easy. (To put it at the side, chose a small one on the final page)