I can see it now. Just like every time before . I am all or nothing: right now it is all. I packed my dinner. I put carrots in a bag. I considered calories to chose my lunch. I have recorded everything I have eaten. I am exercising. I feel great. I am focused and driven. The next step?
I run out of steam. Or something is too stressful and I fall off the wagon and quit from guilt or despair. Or an injury is so depressing i never start again.
If I can see the failure ahead, can I head it off at the pass?
I can think of countless times I have quit before even starting because the arc is just so predictable. You don't get to the situation I am in without a lot of failure . And willful disobedience. And self-sabotage.
In fact my only successful times at getting healthy were done A accidentally and B very unhealthily.
I don't know how to make good food choices every day. It pains me so terribly that I might be teaching my girls my horrific food habits or passing on my horrifically unhealthy relationship with food. I just don't know any other way.
Food is a drug.
And a weapon.
And a currency.
I don't know how to see it as fuel or a tool or just food.
So I am just doing my best today. Eating my carrots.
Monday, November 16, 2009
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3 comments:
Eating right is a little overwhelming to me. Everyone has a different opinion or theory about what's worse more fat or more salt, is it ok to combine protein with dairy or fruit with carbs, and it gets even worse with exercising. I have the tendency to 'shut down' when I get overwhelmed. So I'm trying to just take one day at a time. I won't eat perfect everyday and I need that to be ok. I won't exercise to my limit every day and that's ok too. I really believe the little changes make the most difference. I think we're heading in the right direction. We're aware, we want to change, and that's what matters. I think as long as we don't give up, everything will fall into place. :) Hang in there Dorothy! We can do this!
You are wise, Blanche. And totally right.
I am so "all or nothing" that I get overwhelmed easily. Right now I am all on. But then I have a mediocre day and want to give up.
I now weigh myself EVERY day an it has such power over me.
Eating, weight, it has such power over me. I wish it didn't but it rules my life in many ways.
I am sooooooo thankful you are dong this with me. I couldn't do it on my own!!!!
Oh Dorothy (blush)...thanks. I feel the same about you. :)
Why do you weigh yourself everyday? That would depress me if I didn't see any change...why not just once a week?
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